I've been working on my health, weightloss, and fitness in one way or another for the better part of my adult life. There have been moments where I've given up and done nothing for the sheer exasperation of the task at hand. I call it fighting the good fight for a reason. It's a battle every single day. It's mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. I've realized that I cannot expect to make lasting change without binding all four of those aspects together. For those of you who have never struggled to lose a substantial amount of weight, (50 or more lbs) allow me to paint you a picture.
A few years ago I still belonged to a globo gym. It was the only kind of gym I knew and I was still putting in hours every week working on losing weight and getting fit. I had gotten into the habit of going to the gym after work, getting an hour and half workout in before I went home. I was in a nice little routine when I noticed this group of guys making fun of me. Young twenty-somethings, openly mocking me as I labored through my workout. I complained to gym management, but they did nothing. So these guys continued, laughing, pointing, mocking every day for weeks. I could only take so much, and one day I finally just gave, and left in tears. I changed my workout times to the mornings, but I had grown so discouraged it lasted only a few more weeks before I just stopped going altogether.
In 2008 I bought a beautiful bicycle. Her name is Lulu. She's pretty and purple and I love her. I bought my bike and rode to work every day until the weather got too hot. Once it cooled off again in the fall I rode my bike again. I kept this up for about a year because my car was dying and I really wanted to minimize how much I drove it. During my bike commute to work I experienced people openly swerving to mimic that they were trying to hit me, people rolling their windows down to yell insults, and at one point someone threw food at me. Betcha that wouldn't have happened to a thin woman.
I've had doctors mistreat me and call me a liar. I've been mocked, bullied, yelled at, and passed by as if I'm invisible. I even had a roommate in college refuse to shake my hand or eat anything I cooked (even though I was on WeighWatchers at the time) because she thought fat was contagious. I've had people tell me I'd never get married or that it's a shame that I have such a pretty face. It's interesting. The human condition is such that we are in constant comparison and competition. We seek to rank ourselves against others and judge our worth. Who does what best, or where you rank in your class, or how much you make, or how good you look are different types of barometers that we use to see how we stack up to the competition. And discriminating against those who fall short of a given standard isn't new to humanity. Be it class, race, gender, or weight it's still discrimination. The thing that non-heavy people don't understand about the overweight is that we are keenly aware of our shortfalls. It would be extremely rare to come across an overweight person who isn't aware that they are, indeed, overweight. Pointed and/or passive aggressive remarks are not required. The burden is ever present and so much more complex than what you could imagine. And it's painful. Even if we do our best not to show it.
Today's warm up was like a WOD all by its onsie.
10 reps of each for time: burpees, box jumps, sit ups, push ups, pull ups, toes to bar, dips, wall balls, walking lunges... I didn't list them in the order we did them, but I finished in 7:49
And then on to the AMRAP (as many rounds as possible) for 10 minnutes
5 Squat Snatch @ 45#
21 box jumps
finished 3 full rounds plus 6 reps.
Went to CrossFit this morning with the beginning of a migraine, this may have not been the best idea I've ever had. I also suspect it's a cluster migraine because this is day three of this blinking headache. Makes me want to crawl into a dark freezer and stay there.
Breakfast: the last of the baked egg cups, salsa, and bacon. PS: couldn't eat the egg cups. So bacon and coffee for breakfast.
Snack: Protein shake
Lunch: Turkey breast, avocado, and tomato. I offered to call it the AT&T lunch and Rob just rolled his eyes. TAT is more appropriate anyway. Mineral water.
Dinner: Salmon, with steamed broccoli, maybe some other veggies
I have shared these experiences with only a few people in my life, and now I am putting them out there for everyone to read. The goal would be for people who have never had this struggle to understand a little more and maybe have a bit more compassion for the people in your life who do. Perhaps, maybe even extend grace to the people you don't know and pass on the fat jokes from now on. I needed to get this off my chest so I can work on forgiving and moving on. I don't want to carry the weight of this hurt anymore. It's just too heavy.
Thanks for reading and your support.