Monday, September 24, 2012

Picking Myself Back Up

Where do I even begin after such a long absence? I fell off the wagon, for so many serious and some seemingly stupid reasons and found myself in an anxiety filled hole that I couldn't get out of for far too long. I will explain it all here.

In July I injured my right knee by pushing too hard on a 1 Rep Max Back Squat. I got a personal record, and then I couldn't walk right for about three to four weeks. After which I promptly dislocated my right leg. I had been running up and down stairs at work all day and my right leg felt funny. So when I got home, I decided to stretch a little. So I go into a downward dog and kick my right leg up to open up my hips and my leg just popped out of joint. I say that rather casually but it sent me screaming to my yoga mat, and then promptly to the chiropractor the next morning. (FYI, I cannot describe the relief that is accompanied by blinding, white-hot, pain that I felt when it was popped back in place. I am rarely a person at a loss for words, but I had no words. Just noises.) Now this was just what preceeded my absence from CrossFit, but after that came the personal turmoil of family illness, and finally personal illness that leveled not only my workout habits, but also my eating habits. I did not roll with the punches. I ate through the punches. First out of necessity while my dad was in the hospital, I spent very little time at home--mostly for sleeping and showering. And then after my body stopped rejecting the fast food, I started wanting it. And I kept eating it and taking the easy way out.

Lets talk about the anxiety now. It is a liar, first and foremost. I can't tell you what started it all, just that after all the stress was running rampant without check that I woke up one day already in this hole. I had to dig my way out. Past the thoughts and worry about things I can't control. Past the worry of things I wish I could control. Past the thoughts of things that may or may not happen. Paralyzing anxiety that left me tired and devestated at my lack of progress, my lack of motivation, and my inability to kick start that engine back to life. And here I encountered the worst of my fears of losing weight. What if, (btw-the what if game is a dangerous game to play) after I lose all the weight I am still unable to have kids? That precious can of worms exploded in my brain one day and left me rocking myself back and forth under my desk.... Metaphorically. I honestly think that led to more sabotage eating than all of the previous stress and situations combined. The broken thought process being: "If I don't lose the weight then we can blame not being able to have kids on the weight not on some other unknown fertility issue." Not a concious thought, but an overall explenation of self-defeating behavior. Which left me in a right state of the most convoluded hot mess that I have seen myself become in recent memory.

So now that you are one panic-stricken hot mess, what do you do?

No really, if you have any ideas, I would much appreciate them.

What I did, what I found myself doing, and continue to do for now is the following. I cried. I wore my bad mood like it was my favorite hat. I ate things that I haven't eaten in years. I had a gluten filled extrveganza that I am pretty sure is to blame for my ear infection and subsequent reptured eardrum. (I'm quitting the destructive and punishing eating though. I am not doing any more of that.) I threw myself into work. I watched funny tv shows that made me laugh. And I finally started signing again. Once I start singing again, I knew it was almost over. And through it all, I prayed on my knees before my Savior who loves me regardless of how much of a mess I am.

This is painfully embarassing to admit, but I am doing it anyway because I think that if we leave our pain shrouded in mystery IT retains all the power. I don't want it to have any power over me. I want to bring it out of the shadows of my heart, let the the Son shine on it, and use the experience to learn and grow. And also to let others learn and grow as well. I sat in church yesterday morning being encouraged by a message on woundedness and brokeness, and worshipped with a grateful heart. I wanted to share with you, I want to encourage you.

In my failure I have lessons to learn, corrections to make, and redemption that will follow. I am hitting a reset button starting today, my first day back at CrossFit Chaparral. I feel so alive! It was a spectacular day to be back, and I was able to hit my last PR on a 1 rep max deadlift at #215, and I think it was a PR on "Cindy," as well, 8 rounds +10 reps. (Cindy is one of the named WOD's, 20 minutes as many rounds as possible of 5 pull-ups, 10 push-ups, 15 air squats.)

Be encouraged that you don't have to be perfect today, or any day. Each day brings with it a new opportunity. Today you can hit the reset button, pick yourself back up, and move on. If you do, I'm right there with you.




  1. I wish I could high five you!! Or hug you!! Or both. Or maybe hold hands and dance in a circle.
    You are so awesome for sharing this!! I can soooo relate! Here's the kicker: "Not a concious thought, but an overall explenation of self-defeating behavior."
    That's how we knoooow it's the enemy and not of God. Isn't it just like satan to torment us with vague nonsense?? Cuz we don't recognize it right away!! I can't believe the insane thoughts I use to let into my head when I was in my anxious phase. Ridiculous, and SO ungodly!
    I could write pages on this stuff, and maybe someday I will.
    No, we don't have to be perfect!! I love that sooooo much.
    We just have to keep moving forward.
    I am so glad that you share this stuff....I don't read this anywhere else and it's refreshing. Obviously I hate it that you went through that--it's just awful, I wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone!! BUT, the reset button is the important part! You are a new creation and tomorrow is a new day!
    You goooo girl!!

  2. P.S. If you ever want to hear some of your own stories written by someone with a somewhat different perspective--me!--this is the 'fear' stuff from my old blog. It amazes me, how so many of us struggle with the same stuff--which we only know when we admit it! Part of my fear and anxiety struggle was thinking I was alone in it--but, no, we all struggle!!